The greatest Roller Skater of all time

There may be some wondering when this blog will get round to talking about Roller Derby. Well one day.

But first the greatest Roller Skater of all time.

Those that know me will know exactly who it is. Those that don’t, I expect who?

Elmer McCurdy was a terrible bank robber. Useless with explosives, a liar, a cheat, an unfortunate character.  Not evil, but circumstances conspired against him and he fell in with the wrong people. Bragging about his skills he picked up in the army meant he was in demand. An explosives expert, minus the expert, he rode across the prairie with saddlebags full of nitro-glycerine. Not the most stable of substances, especially when riding on horseback.

On one occasion his gang held up a train and Elmer, being the expert, set about blowing the safe. Unfortunately he used so much explosive he fused all the silver dollars in to one immoveable lump. The gang escaped empty handed.

His fate was sealed and on his final robbery he was cornered by the local sheriff and his deputies. Elmer ever the optimist got drunk and came out shooting. He was shot dead.

The body was taken to the local undertakers and left, waiting for relatives to come to claim the body. But nobody came. As the years past his body slowly mummified in the cool dry air. The undertaker put him on show and the local kids would come by, put roller skates on him and take him skating up and down the sidewalk.

He wasn’t the best skater in the world. But if you can do something once you’re dead you have a skill many cannot emulate. People like Jeremy Bentham come close but he’s a bit more sedate. Elmer wouldn’t have been good at Derby; one good hit would see him explode in to dust. But he wouldn’t have to worry about injuries.

Elmer’s career continued, appearing in freak shows, films and finally an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man. When he was finally discovered, his arm had been snapped off and crudely re-attached with tape and he had been painted in a variety of  day-glo colours. He now rests in peace under a layer of concrete.

But for me, there is something irresistible about a roller skating corpse.

You’ll never take me alive!


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