Don’t try this at home.

I wasn’t going to put the magnets up my nose. It never crossed my mind. Why would one? Stupidly, I had read the instructions that came with them. These were powerful, tiny, neodymium iron-boron magnets. Most of the instructions made sense. These are powerful magnets and may crash together and chip if not handled properly. Do not eat. When I got to, do not put them up your nose, I was beginning to wonder what sort of health and safety freak had written them. Now, I am a pro with magnets. In my younger days I spent nine months working in a magnet factory. Which as far as I’m concerned makes me a pro. Ok, so I may have spent most of my time vacuuming a derelict industrial unit and then re-glazing it but I had seen and handled magnets.

While I’m happy to photograph Roller Derby I have no real interest in playing it. As far as I’m concerned it’s exercise, which makes it a no go area. However once in a while I will make rash challenges. The Skatecrasher challenge was one such idle boast. Crasher had borrowed my camera and as far as I’m concerned was taking far better photos of the party than I was. This is where the rash challenge came in. If you’re doing my job I should do yours. Now I’ve been on roller skates a few times but I’m not what you’d call competent. I work on wishful thinking and prayer. Jamming was a whole different ball game.
After several postponements, I think Crasher was worried about my prowess on skates or trying to work out if their insurance would cover me, we arranged a date.

For my part, all I had to do was to maintain my balance and to hold on. This was the tactic my team decided on. It was probably for the best. Closing my eyes wasn’t in the plan but somehow I thought this might aid my concentration. Hold on to Mallory Hard-Knox and stay upright. That’s all I had to do. Somehow it worked. I don’t know how, but I achieved lead jammer status. Everything was blur, too confusing. I had no idea what was happening and it was knackering. I called off the jam not knowing how many, if any, points I had scored. It was harder work than I had imagined.

The second jam we plan adopted the same tactics. Why change a plan that worked. Too be honest I was dreading it, my inept skating style had sapped my energy. This time things were even more confusing, somehow I let go of Mallory and ended up falling over an opposing player. I was sent off, for what I do not know. I couldn’t avoid them. I would have thrown a tantrum but I was too tired. Ref, are you blind?

That was the end of my skating career but it gave me a greater appreciation of what these girls go through. In the future I will try and stop making rash challenges and doing stupid things.

Right, where are those magnets. I wonder how many I can push up my nose?


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