Roller Derby on a Roundabout

Where did all the themed bouts go? Perhaps they were part of the last throes of post-modernism, as Roller Derby professionalised and developed as a sport it no longer needed it’s old identity. Or perhaps the extra demands of training took too much time away from dressing up, there’s only so much time in the day.

Whatever the reason, it’s a topic for another day.

Of all the themed bouts, I was surprised there wasn’t one (that i'd seen) based on the League of Gentlemen’, it seemed made for it.

  • Teams can roster up to twelfty skaters.
  • NSOs, if you need a pen, please see Pauline.
  • Skaters WILL NOT use the ‘F’ word.
  • Medical care will be provided by Dr Chinnery (And for god’s sake, no one else touch the monkey’s knackers.).
  • Please note that the mayor will be there, so no fucking swearing.
  • ‘I can I can’t’ will be supplied for half-time refreshment.
  • Half-time entertainment featuring ‘Crème Brulee’.
  • If a skater falls over everyone must stop because that’s a ‘Go Johnny Go Go Go Go.
  • Nose Bleed? Get over it, we’ve all got them.
  • Winners will receive ‘Precious Things’.
  • Losers will get a night in with the Denton‘s with a tour of the amphibarium.
  • Please leave the venue promptly, we lock up at 8.15pm.

Tubbs: Will Roller Derby be like Swansea, Edward?
Edward: Yes, Tubbs. Only... bigger.

Of course, you couldn’t use it for international bouts, just ‘Local’ ones.


  1. This is actually amazing. Penalty box managers will greet skaters with 'you're my wife now Dave' upon entry to the penalty box.

    Raffle prizes will be given with bags that have good handles. And someone can be milk monitor.

    1. I never understood why no-one did one, it seemed to be made for it. Perhaps a team should consider it for a Christmas special!


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