Upstairs and to the left

When people come round for a photo shoot or are visiting for the first time there comes a point when they may ask if they can use the facilities. I’ve always thought this was a bizarre thing to say. As if I would say no. However usually I do. Just to see their reaction. I may be evil but I’m not that evil as to deny them the use of my bathroom. I usually tell them it’s upstairs, the room with the toilet in. Let them wander from room to room until they find the right one.

Usually guests get it right. Occasionally, I may find one urinating in to the hearth or a cupboard in the spare room; they however seldom get an invite back.

At the Notting Hill carnival, locals charge a pound a pop to use their facilities. There are few public toilets in the area. My advice is to load up on the goat curry before heading off to find a place to crimp one off. You might as well get your monies worth. In these times of austerity you have to maximise every penny.

My instructions to guests seem simple, but on thinking about it the situation may not be all that it seems.

One of my old tutors, an internationally famous jeweller, built an electro former in his toilet. Two electrodes wired up to the mains through which a current was passed and placed into an electrolytic bath to create a metallic form from a non-metallic master. Any guest would have been confused by this arrangement. And any attempt to use the facility would have resulted in an electric shock, and possibly death.

Fred A Leuchter, JR, or Mr Death was all too aware of this problem. Condemned criminals when executed, would defecate and urinate in their final throes. A messy situation. But when combined with an electric chair, the highly conductive urine, if it came in to contact with another human could cause severe electric shock or death. The situation would be compounded if there were to be a second execution that day and the floor hadn’t been properly mopped.

I’m assuming my old tutor either had a second bathroom he could direct guests to or at the very least an outhouse. Guests would have been very confused to peer down the toilet, only to see a slice of toast being magically covered with 18ct gold.

If not, I assume guests didn’t stay long.

I’m not planning on turning my toilet in to an electro former at present, but if I did,  when I tell guests that they cannot use the facilities at least I’ll have a reason. And if they venture in to the bathroom and see the toilet wired up to the mains, it will be up to them if they dare risk it.

To paraphrase Clint Eastwood, “Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track of myself. But being as this is a Twyfords rimfree toilet wired up to the mains, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?


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